Mike + I pre-op

My husband has a difficult time with hospitals... I do too. But on this day I wanted him by my side more than anyone else in the world. I felt calm. I was ready. I didn't cry until Mike looked at me with his loving eyes communicating to me without words... hence the tissue box on my lap.

I recall being rolled down the hallway, meeting the nurses in the operating room, being transferred to the surgical table and that's it. I woke up in the recovery area. Spent a couple of hours there before being transported to my room on the 8th floor. Which by the way had the most incredible view of Mt. Hood and the entire mountain range.

I kept referring to the hospital as a hotel... take a peek at my view + my room.

I had a fabulous view of Mt. Hood and Prune Hill. This is only about 1/3 of my panorama. 

I loved how organized the room was... 
 

 
The kids and I post op.

MIke and the kids came to see me later that evening. I know it was a bit scary for them to see me with an IV, oxygen tubes, leg compression machinery and lying half asleep dress in my hospital gown. I tried to muster up some energy to chat about all the medical devices, show them I'm ok, and give them some love. Annie immediately wanted to see my chest... of which I declined. I hadn't even seen it yet and wasn't about to mess with the bandages. Wes whispered to me asking if I felt like a boy. No, I don't I whispered back.

I called Mike later to check in... tell him goodnight. He told me that when Annie got in the car she cried. She didn't like the idea of me staying alone and thought I'd be scared.

On Saturday the kids had soccer games so I did my hospital thing... napping + watching chick flicks. I finally got to watch Julie + Julia. Here's the kids visiting during my meal time + taking over my tv. [just like home] This gave Mike and I a chance to walk the 8th floor, see the sunset, and just be.

I was very well taken care of. The nursing staff was wonderful, always being gentle + thoughtful. [I stayed for 2 nights] I appreciated the visits, the flowers, the messages of support. Once my best friend arrived I was ready to be discharged and head home. Of course the kids wanted to sit in the wheelchair before checking out... I drew the line at them pushing me.

 
I feel strong. I feel ready.
And I was able to truthfully tell my daughter that I wasn't scared.

Tomorrow I have my double mastectomy + lymph nodes removed.

It's time.

I've had 8 months to think about this. I've had 8 months to process. I've run the gamut of emotions. But today I am calm.

My big brother Brent said he felt like they were taking my breasts. I told him they were taking the cancer.

I've had my closure. I wrote to release and had professional photos taken to document . I held my children tight to help them feel secure. I'm ready to let go.

I'm not scared because I faced my fear of going under during surgery last month. I'm thankful I won't be wearing prosthesis boobs since I'm getting the expanders. I hear it's not as painful as one might think. I have my home in order so that things shall go somewhat smoothly in my absence. I have laundry done, food in the fridge, dry cleaning picked up, and lip stick in my hospital bag.

I've received comments, messages, tweets, phone calls, voicemails, texts, and hugs full of support, love, and prayers. I am thankful to my community. I am thankful for a strong foundation.

I feel loved therefor I feel strong. 

So just what does a mama do to 'prep' before heading into surgery...

Laundry.

I've been asked several times how I feel about friday. I'm ok. I'm sometimes weepy. I'm prepping. As in getting my family ready to function without me.

Laundry is priority. Odd isn't it. How something so simple needs to be in order for a family to carry on. Soccer uniforms need to be ready to go and easily accessible. Favorite sweatshirts cleaned. Clean socks in the drawer.

I've made a list of details for my husband... it includes which child is going where, with whom, and how to contact them. He'll figure out the rest, he's smart.

I've stocked the freezer with a fresh bag o'chicken nuggets + fish sticks. The cupboard is full of cereal. There are enough goldfish to last 2 months. No one will starve. No one will care that there are no fresh vegetables.

I'm more focused or distracted by these types of details than my actual surgery. It's part of my hunker down, put on my blinders, just move forward attitude.

I'm a mom doing what needs to be done.

My double mastectomy and lymph node removal surgery is scheduled for Friday, October 15th. 10.15.10

I've had my both preop appoints, meaning I've seen the surgeon and the plastic surgeon to get the low down on the removal of the girls. Did you know they tag team the surgery... the plastic surgeon draws the lines with reconstruction in mind and the general surgeon does his thing.

My preop with the plastic surgeon came with visuals in the form of a computer monitor with a photo of my breasts. Not a pretty picture. At least my head wasn't showing... but the girls in all their mature glory were staring me right in the eye. Somehow it didn't bother me as much as you'd think it would. I've been distancing myself from them.

Dr. Gabriel, my boobie doc, took the cursor, pointed it waaaaay above my pictured nipples and showed me where my new nipples will eventually be. He explained my incision would look like an inverted T, I'd wake up with drains [I'm a lil' grossed out by these] and some mickey mouse shaped contraption on my chest to administer pain meds [or something like that...because it's difficult to focus on all the details when your boobs are staring at you].

He'll place the expanders in my chest during surgery and see me weekly to add saline in them to increase my bust size. I'll actually see him 2x week until the drains are removed... then get on a weekly schedule. After 6 months or so [depends on the opinion of my Radiation Oncologist] I'll have another surgery where they replace the expanders with my implants. I'm not sure how much later I get some nipples to top off the new girls but I do know he adds some fat the area to smooth things out. Apparently I get to pick the area that gets lipoed. #bonus #stillinalittlebitofdenialaboutthewholething

Some other details...

The removed tissue gets inspected for cancer cells... I'll receive a pathology report post surgery.

My best friend, Diane, is coming for a week to take care of me.

I'll be in the hospital for 1, probably 2 nights.

I've already picked up my post surgery prescriptions.

I'm wondering what to do with my 'old' bras, is there a recycling bin of some sort at the hospital.. I picture some large barrel to place them in and they hand me a match to light them on fire. I know... odd, uncomfortably funny, but my mind went there.

I purchased a new eggplant colored robe to wear in the hospital, somehow my white robe didn't cut it.

I'm scouring my closet for comfy items that zip or button up the front.

I'm stocking up on cereal for the kidlets and farming them out to friends the night before my surgery because I have to be there at 6am.

My husband has reassured me many times that 'it's' about this [as he draws a circle in the air around my face] and not that [nodding to my bosom].

I've already done 'most' of my grieving and dealt with my personal issues regarding my double mastectomy. I'm sure the rest will hit me later.

I plan on wearing my big girl panties to the hospital.